Why do I get the feeling that our relationship was doomed from the start? You had to know that you were only a diversion -- a plaything, if you will -- to tide me over until I settle into a Serious Relationship with The Sweater. I even told you as much at the outset of our affair. You were right next to me that night as I sighed over the pattern and groped its yarn. All things considered, I suppose I should be thankful that you're taking this as well as you are.
But coming out huge like this? I wasn't expecting that at all. I'm half a stitch off gauge for these needles and suddenly you're the biggest mitten ever. I even considered frogging you entirely and then trying this relationship on a smaller scale, but then I decided that I didn't want to throw away all the effort that we've put into it so far.
Why the sudden embiggenment? Is this because you've been hanging around that Swatch? Clearly you want me to abuse you the same way I did him. You may be pleased to learn that there is a scalding-hot Dr. Bronner's bath in your future. Maybe that's all it will take to get us to suit one another better. I'm more than willing to give it a shot -- after these past few days we've spent together I'm starting to get attached.